Variable Normal

The notion of 'normal' has some fundamental flaws in it when it is applied to one's life. Comments about 'normal' as it applies to one's life abound. For example, "Life is anything but normal right now!" or "I can't wait until things get back to normal." or "I will do such-and-such when my routine is normal again." What is 'normal'?

Most would agree that the word normal is used to indicate that there are no life changing events occurring currently. Therefore tomorrow is expected be somewhat like today at least circumstantially and/or emotionally. Or, it would not be risky to plan an event sometime in the future expecting that circumstances will not change significantly. There are key words in the above such as 'emotionally' and 'circumstances' that give clues of where the notion of 'normal' fails in life.

Circumstances and emotions are forever changing and cannot be predicted with any certainty. So, why would we expect them to remain the same over any length of time?

There is a sense of security when we can predict our future. No doubt that comes from a desire to control something in the future that we feel we control today.

So far, 'normal' means there is a desire to predict the future and a desire to control the present.

The other side of 'normal' is an act of acceptance. When we feel things are normal, there is an implicit acceptance of the way things are. There is a sense of comfort or being 'at rest' during times of normalcy. The acceptance and comfort emerges from having learned how to act and what to do under 'normal' circumstances. The circumstances may be very pleasurable or painful but the word 'normal' is applied to indicate our understanding and acceptance of the way things currently are.

So, in addition to 'normal' including prediction and control as behavioral actions, there is a secure emotional acceptance included as well.

What happens when the unexpected occurs? What happens when we feel that things are not normal?

When our understanding of 'normal' fails, we loose prediction, control and the stability of emotional acceptance. What typically happens is the core of the problem of the notion of 'normal'. What we most often do is 'put our life on hold' while we try to change the circumstances or while we wait until the circumstances to get back to what we know as 'normal'.

But, what if circumstances do not or cannot be changed? What follows is a period of discomfort or pain until we learn how to deal with the new current circumstances and learn what the implications are of the future so we can, again, accurately predict.

The problem with a typical reaction is that it is just that ... a reaction. It is a period of dismay, confusion, possible depression, anger and the rest of how we react to things that are not comfortable or controllable. This type of reaction makes responding disorganized, counterproductive and most importantly emotionally draining for us and those around us. If the circumstances are an illness, the emotional drain will suppress the immune system to further complicate things by compromising our ability to get well or fight the disease.

So, what is the alternative?

The idea of a 'variable normal' is to perceive and treat changes as a new normal as of that day, hour or moment. It is the idea of living life by the moment but includes much more.

A 'variable normal' includes an expectation that we will immediately attempt to understand the full implications of the changes and proceed at once to learn how to deal with the new circumstances.

The key to a 'variable normal' is to treat new circumstances as an acceptable, manageable state. This puts us back in control as we go about learning how to deal with new circumstances and integrate them into our lives.

Perhaps the most difficult part of change is the unknown. We cannot possibly know what will occur as a result of change. The irony is that what will occur can never be known but the failure of the notion of normal implies that we can know.

This presents two huge hurdles to clear. One is to treat discomfort and/or pain as an acceptable and manageable state and the other is the ability to live a full life in the midst of holding the unknown in our consciousness.

It seems counter to everything that we have learned to treat discomfort and/or pain as an acceptable and manageable state. However, the opposite response would only be debilitating and increase the discomfort and pain. The idea of acceptance here is not necessarily to 'tolerate' but to see change as a part of life that has happened, is happening and will happen. This avoids denial and moves us into the managing state.

Acceptance not only avoids denial but also diminishes the negative impact on emotions and reduces the psychological trauma on the body.

Another dynamic of this that helps us is that as we accept things as a part of life and reconsider how to handle new circumstances it not only leads more quickly to being back in control but also gives us confidence in handling future changes because we are expecting them.

'Variable normal' means that we are constantly monitoring circumstances for changes that we know will occur and to treat those changes as a normal part of life. Furthermore, we will accept the changes as normal and thoughtfully sort out what we can manage and what will be the unknown that we must hold in our consciousness until the unknown reveals itself at which time can be managed.

There have been a lot of references to 'managing' changes. It is probably more important to see management of changes as an act of emotion than it is an act of behavior. This is why acceptance is so important. Acceptance goes hand-in-hand with an optimum emotional state. There is just as much, if not more, personal control associated with emotion than there is associated with circumstantial resolution. The fact is we 'feel' in control or not. Control is an emotional state before it manifests itself in physical change.

Accepting 'normal' as a fluid variable part of life prepares us to live life to the fullest at all times as we become clearly aware of the changing circumstances of our life and feel confident in responding to them.